"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
Being on bed rest has almost pushed me into reflection. I suppose it's good because I don't think I'd ever really do half of the introspection on my own. I'm just not that kind of person. I'd much rather sweep it all under the rug and not deal with it.
One of the main things I've realized about myself is how my faith has completely changed. I grew up fairly religious. I read the bible on my own, from front to back numerous times. I went to youth group, I did bible studies on my own, I read all the books good christian kids do. As I grew up, even though I wasn't as bible thumper as I once was, I was still strong in my faith in my head. With each miscarriage, my faith waxed and waned. When I was finally able to keep our son's pregnancy, I feel like I almost had a resurgence. My husband and I talked about taking our children to church, what denomination we would chose, and other various items dealing with a religious up bringing.
Then our kid died.
That was it.
It was strange for me. I remember feeling betrayal and negligence with the miscarriages, like god had turned his back on us, he blinked. I thought there was something wrong, we weren't ready yet, whatever bullcrap I felt like feeding myself at the time to get through the loss.
Then our kid died.
That. Was. It.
I didn't feel betrayal. I didn't feel negligence. I felt absolutely nothing. No hatred, no anger towards "god", nothing. I felt nothing. Everything I'd ever been taught, anything I'd ever learned and sponged out of religious texts, it was all gone. I don't remember a specific moment where I "swore off religion" or anything of that nature, I just remember not thinking about it again. The religious platitudes being dealt had no effect but to anger me. I no longer was receptive to "I'll pray for you" or "He's with god now". The platitudes will have their own entry, believe me.
Coming from a religious upbringing and having hyper religious family members on both my husband's and my side of the family, I was initially a little concerned. I was worried that I would become a pariah if anyone found out I didn't believe anymore.
The longer it gets from our son's death, the more comfortable I'm becoming with stopping people mid-platitude or simply asking them to stop. I'm never rude, because I expect the same respect in regards to my beliefs (or lack there of). Sometimes though, you just don't want to hear it. I don't make a big deal typically, and I've learned when and with whom I may pick my battles. While "We're praying for you" still stings beyond belief, I don't say anything because I know most people mean well. As much as it irritates and upsets me, I say nothing. I'm not angry. I'm not that angry, angsty former Christian.
I just don't care.