Stars May Collide

"Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings

Telling me to give you everything

Seasons may change, winter to spring

But I love you, until the end of time"

We were told by my midwife that she would like me to wait and have at least 3 cycles before we try again, but that she also understands that we want to try again asap.  Mainly because I'm a nutcase.  

I've been testing every day for about 2 weeks now, and I pretty much assumed that I missed the LH surge or that I wouldn't show up for it because like after my d&c with the triplets, I assumed my junk would be all kinds of messed up for at least one cycle.  For the past two weeks or so, I've been getting nothing but that damn O.  Nothing.  So I figured it was mainly just an exercise in futility, something to keep my mind busy, something to chart.  You know.

Until I tested last night and saw that stupid smiley face.  With it's stupid grin.  Like it's mocking me. 

I'm kidding,  I don't think I'm being mocked.  I think it's time to get to business.  

I Believe in You and Me

"Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright"

I can't sleep because my nose won't quit draining. And making me sneeze. And dripping. It's gross and unnecessary.

I've been thinking about a lot of things. I feel like the few weeks after the birth, that my brain just stopped. I just needed to exist for a while. Now it's all coming to a head and I can't stop it. I'm getting short and irritable with almost everyone, I'm caving in on myself, I feel like I'm making my own problems, like I'm looking for things to be pissed about.  Then I feel guilty for thinking those things. Then I get pissed. And the cycle continues.

And I can't help but laugh sometimes.

There were only a few things that I was SET on with my pregnancy.

I was NOT going to see a midwife. No way, no how, not happening.

I was NOT getting induced. They were going to have to cut me open, because it was NOT happening.

I was NOT getting an epidural if I went naturally. Big ass needle in my back? No thank you, I'll skip that.

I was scared to DEATH of ripping. Scared shitless.

Look up irony in the dictionary. Go ahead. Take a minute. I'll wait.

Do you see my picture?

Obviously I also didn't want my son to pass, but that aside, let me tell you what happened.

I had an epidural so I could be induced so a midwife could deliver, and I ripped a decent bit.

Really? I mean...really?

I feel like that Sim everyone had, the one you LOVED to jerk around with? I feel like that is our life. I feel like a huge, walking example. How many lessons are we to be taught? Because I'm kind of over it.