Trigger warning.

"But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?"

Wow.  It's been forever.  Trigger warning.

Yup.  That's right.  And what a crazy roller coaster on which this one has already taken us.  So far I've been hospitalized twice, I'm seeing a specialist twice a week since 20 weeks, and I'm on complete bed rest until delivery.  While I'm not in preterm labor, they have told me that I have an increased risk of delivering early simply because of the issue we're having.

We were also told that if we plan on having another child, we should wait at least a year and then consult the specialist first.  The whole "family planning" thing is new to us.  Sure, we loosely planned both children, but we never set goals or anything other than "Hey, let's not prevent pregnancy."  This pregnancy was one we truly tried for, charting and the whole bit, and she still took us by surprise.  I found out I was pregnant the ONE month I didn't chart.

So that's where we are.  Right now I'm taking a calcium channel blocked commonly used to lessen contractions in preterm labor, even though I'm not in preterm labor.  I know I'm not having contractions, and every time they monitor me, they see nothing.  So right now it's bed rest and some medication on the off chance that it's helping.  Whatever works!

I've taken to completely removing myself from most social media sites, at least for the time being. While we have massive amounts of support across the country, for me the best course of action right now was to simply stop, remove myself, and focus on my family for right now.  I know it's upset a lot of people, but to be frank and honest, my family is more important right now.  I spent a lot of my time not properly grieving our son because of distractions.  And that ends now.

I'm starting this back up again in hopes that maybe, in some way, it may help another mother out there who has gone through similar experiences.

Here's hoping <3