I Am Woman.

" You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul"

If you don't like angry she-rants, move along.

I think I'm pretty amazing, all things considered. I've put up with A LOT of bullshit from the universe and people in it. A LOT. Conversely, I've also dealt my share of bullshit. And don't think for a MINUTE that I don't hate myself every day for it. Even though I know that isn't how these things work, I can't help but think "Had I not done this" or "had I handled this differently" maybe hubby and I would have our little boy.

That's crazy thinking, right? Right.

I'm not as thin as I used to be. I've got extra skin and extra stretch marks, extra pounds I didn't have a few years ago. I'm not as flashy or edgy with my looks anymore. I don't care as much about my clothing or how I look. I've lost a lot of interest in what other people think of me, mainly because I just don't have anything left to give. I'm empty, I'm on E. I feel like a 50 year old in a 25 year olds body, probably because of all the bull I've dealt with. I've been lied to by a lot of people who should have had my best interests in mind, and just didn't. I'm done. I'm just done.

What Do They Make Dreams For

"OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you

But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker"

What can I say.  I'm obsessed with this song.  I can't help it.

Things have been moving along.  Eh.  Hubby has gone to work a few times, mainly doing half days because someone will come up and say something, and it goes downhill from there.  So he's going back full time tomorrow.  I'm FINALLY taking my car in to get the Hurricane Sandy damage fixed.  I know, more than a year later.  I'm a BIT of a procrastinator.  But that's getting done finally.  

I went out the other day to get a few shirts and pants for the time being.  It's so difficult because of how my body is and how much it's changed.  Top wise I only went up a size, mainly because my chest is even bigger now for obvious reasons.  Jeans, I don't even want to talk about.  I'm not into paying full price right now, because I don't know 1. When I'm going to get pregnant again and 2. What size I will end up being after everything is said and done.  So basically what I've found is a bunch of cute tops, awesome, and that since I am now a "bigger" size, apparently now I want my jeans almost as high up as my full banded maternity pants.  Not true.  Not true at all.  So I'm running in to that, but like I said, I don't know how long I'll be in them, so it's whatever.  I'm either going back into maternity pants or down sizes because we're waiting, we will see.

Hubby is getting help through his company, which is awesome.  We will be going to see someone in the beginning of November.  I think it'll help a lot.  I'm having a lot of moments where I'll get ready to go somewhere, and I break down.  That happens mostly with places I frequented while pregnant.  One of my saving graces is the fact that I have an awesome support system, hubby and I are on the same page in regards to trying again, and I have complete faith in my body and mind in regards to another pregnancy and the future.

We've planned to pay off our debt consolidation with our tax refund this year, which takes away a fairly sizable payment monthly.

Also super exciting news, I went to see my midwife today and I'm healing well.  All my labs came back fine, TORCH and everything was clear, and the pathology from the placenta came back fine except for the vein abnormalities, but those had nothing to do with what happened. 

Oh. And a little grocery store down the street had ClearBlue ovulation tests on sale for $3. So I grabbed them all. The little victories.

Didn't Nobody Tell You, the House Will Always Win.

" Your legs are shot and they're flushed with pain
But you can't keep them still
The sun sets and you're afraid
Of the itching in your skin"

Yesterday started off nicely, which is good. We went to our normal Saturday breakfast spot with my parents and brother. We always have the same waitress. Always. She's great. Remembers our names, stories, and since we are all creatures of habbit, our orders as well. Always has drinks what seems like before we sit down. Except the last time she saw me was before Finn was born. So my dad's sudden pace increase to get to her first didn't surprise me. Fire a warning shot.

Hubby and I went to Applefest in Chambersburg. I didn't see one apple. I called shenanigans. He wasn't amused. We got some tarts for the burners and a wall hanging for an empty spot on one of our arches.

After that, we went to the grave site for the first time since the funeral. I noticed the day of the funeral that he is buried next to a little girl. I checked yesterday, and on her marker it also says 2013-2013. She had a Hello Kitty pumpkin and little flag. Anyone who knows me knows that Hello Kitty was my first love. She was my first tattoo. Next time I visit, I think I'm going to drop off a stuffed Hello Kitty I have and leave my name and number, in case the mommy needs someone to talk to.

It definitely sucked. Even writing about it sucks. I'm literally crying as I write this. The lion hubby left is still there. I don't know what to do about him, though. Leaving him in the elements will make him deteriorate, and I know I won't be able to handle seeing that. As much as I want to take that lion and sleep with him every night for the rest of my life, Hubby left him there for a reason. That lion is our son's, and he will have him for as long as I can keep him there. I just don't know if there's a case or something I can get to preserve him or what. I'll have to look around when I go out on Tuesday.

I Fall Upon the Thorns of Life. I bleed.

" You'll get your hopes and you'll get your dreams.
Well, that choice wasn't there for me.
This path on which I walk. It ain't a game and it ain't all talk.
This is all I ever had.
This is all they ever let me have."

Today sucked. Simply put.

We went to the consignment shop down the street and I had to leave to blubber in my car. After having 3 tear fests in the store already. I'm really beginning to believe the fact that PTSD is very real with losses like this. I used to go there like, every other day looking for things for Finley. They always have awesome prices on kids clothes, and every now and again you can find some awesome deals. I remember I found an Eddie Bauer car seat cover, brand new, never opened, for $8.

When we got home we had an Amazon box on our door step. It was from Sweet Grace Ministries. There was a walk for infant and pregnancy loss in Ship on Sunday that I couldn't make, and a couple we are friends with went and walked for our son. I guess Sweet Grace heard about our loss from her, and today we received lotion, an amazingly scented lavender candle, an angel figurine, and a book to cope with loss. All for which we are grateful.

At this point I've got about 3 books to read. The only problem is every time I go to read one, I can't even get passed the chapter titles without breaking down.

It especially sucks because today was not a good day for hubby at all. He tried to go to work, but with how many people are in his office, word couldn't possibly get out to everyone, so he got a few people asking those questions we all hate. Couldn't do it. I don't blame him.

I just wish I could be as strong for him as he is for me. He is my rock, even on his worst days. I just wish I could be the same.

In the Beginning

"Sometimes I wonder

Why are we so blind to fate?

Without compassion, there can be no end to hate

No end to sorrow

Caused by the same endless fears

Why can't we learn from all we've been through

After two thousand years?"

It all began in February of this year. Scratch that. Our journey really began in June of 2011. More specifically, my reason for starting this blog began in February of 2013.  

In February, I want to say the 22nd, but I could be wrong, we found out we were pregnant. There aren't words to describe our feelings at that time, because I had a previous d&c in August with triplets and hadn't been regular since. I took a pregnancy test as a last resort before going back to my doctor to make sure my pipes weren't clogged. Turns out they were. With a baby. 

We had three previous losses. I feel like I've been pregnant our entire marriage. All were early, never progressed to a heart beat, and always ended in a miscarriage.  With this one, the day we took the test, we kicked and screamed until we got an ultrasound, I want to say a day or two later. I had gone to two different obgyns and a PA at my family doctor. Finally, after enough complaining, the PA was the one to finally write me an RX for an ultrasound. 

I'll never forget that ultrasound. It changed our lives. She gelled me up and almost instantly we heard a small little thump, thump, thump. Oh my god. A heartbeat. We had never gotten this far. Every single previous ultrasound had been "Oh look...a sac but no yolk" or "Oh no, there's no heartbeat." So to have a heartbeat? Unbelievable and a complete blessing. 

My OB at the time immediately put me on Progesterone and baby aspirin daily. While we waited on the blood results for my hormones, she felt it was best to shoot first and if I didn't need the progesterone, I would discontinue. Thankfully she took a chance, because my progesterone levels came back dangerously low. 

We switched doctor's after doing our hospital tour.  Hubby HATED the hospital, and I don't blame him.  We absolutely made the correct decision.  Our first appointment at Holy Spirit was amazing.  The doctor was amazingly gentle and nurturing.  The doppler had his heart rate at a great BPM.  Just by feeling, she wasn't sure if she had felt his boney butt up by my lungs, or his head, so she did an in room ultrasound.  He was perfectly face down, everything was fine.

Fast forward to 3 days before my due date.  Long, emotional story I'll eventually get into extremely short, in room doppler grabbed no heart beat, in room ultrasound showed no heart beat, and after going to an imaging center, it was 100% confirmed that we had lost our little boy.

I gave birth Friday October 4th around 7:30AM after being induced.  In some kind of mixed blessing, labor wasn't what I thought it would be.  I thought it was going to be some crazy, long drawn out process, ridiculously painful, but it really wasn't.  I'm sure my next labor will be completely different, and I welcome it, I'm just happy I didn't have hours of back labor etc.  

Some days, like today, I feel dead inside. Over dramatic, I know. Everything just feels forced.  We went to a few local consignment shops, puttered around town, but it all just felt so. forced. 

But they can't all be good days, right?