In the Beginning

"Sometimes I wonder

Why are we so blind to fate?

Without compassion, there can be no end to hate

No end to sorrow

Caused by the same endless fears

Why can't we learn from all we've been through

After two thousand years?"

It all began in February of this year. Scratch that. Our journey really began in June of 2011. More specifically, my reason for starting this blog began in February of 2013.  

In February, I want to say the 22nd, but I could be wrong, we found out we were pregnant. There aren't words to describe our feelings at that time, because I had a previous d&c in August with triplets and hadn't been regular since. I took a pregnancy test as a last resort before going back to my doctor to make sure my pipes weren't clogged. Turns out they were. With a baby. 

We had three previous losses. I feel like I've been pregnant our entire marriage. All were early, never progressed to a heart beat, and always ended in a miscarriage.  With this one, the day we took the test, we kicked and screamed until we got an ultrasound, I want to say a day or two later. I had gone to two different obgyns and a PA at my family doctor. Finally, after enough complaining, the PA was the one to finally write me an RX for an ultrasound. 

I'll never forget that ultrasound. It changed our lives. She gelled me up and almost instantly we heard a small little thump, thump, thump. Oh my god. A heartbeat. We had never gotten this far. Every single previous ultrasound had been "Oh look...a sac but no yolk" or "Oh no, there's no heartbeat." So to have a heartbeat? Unbelievable and a complete blessing. 

My OB at the time immediately put me on Progesterone and baby aspirin daily. While we waited on the blood results for my hormones, she felt it was best to shoot first and if I didn't need the progesterone, I would discontinue. Thankfully she took a chance, because my progesterone levels came back dangerously low. 

We switched doctor's after doing our hospital tour.  Hubby HATED the hospital, and I don't blame him.  We absolutely made the correct decision.  Our first appointment at Holy Spirit was amazing.  The doctor was amazingly gentle and nurturing.  The doppler had his heart rate at a great BPM.  Just by feeling, she wasn't sure if she had felt his boney butt up by my lungs, or his head, so she did an in room ultrasound.  He was perfectly face down, everything was fine.

Fast forward to 3 days before my due date.  Long, emotional story I'll eventually get into extremely short, in room doppler grabbed no heart beat, in room ultrasound showed no heart beat, and after going to an imaging center, it was 100% confirmed that we had lost our little boy.

I gave birth Friday October 4th around 7:30AM after being induced.  In some kind of mixed blessing, labor wasn't what I thought it would be.  I thought it was going to be some crazy, long drawn out process, ridiculously painful, but it really wasn't.  I'm sure my next labor will be completely different, and I welcome it, I'm just happy I didn't have hours of back labor etc.  

Some days, like today, I feel dead inside. Over dramatic, I know. Everything just feels forced.  We went to a few local consignment shops, puttered around town, but it all just felt so. forced. 

But they can't all be good days, right?