Excited

I've been a member of a website for about a year now.  You can do surveys, earn cash back, all kinds of cool things.  Well.  In addition to earning enough in the last 2 months to get a $100 gift card to Destination Maternity (I know, right?!) or breaking it up into $50 here and $50 there, I'm also getting a Petunia Pickle Bottom Tour Guide - Escape to the Sahara carrier for....drum roll please...$29.99!!!!  I'm seriously so excited.  These things retail EVERYWHERE else for $70 easy, and I'm getting it for more than half off.  I love it!  

Promise this will be the only entry with this kind of stuff, but I do have some websites I use to get a little extra cash, at least while I'm on bed rest.  They're absolutely not get rich quick sites, but you can make a little pocket change.

Anyway, the first one requires an invitation.  If you're interested, feel free to email me at a.still.life.mommy@gmail.com and I'll send you an invitation!

I may post the other sites I use on here in a little bit.  I don't know.  I want to let people know, but I don't want to be all salesy and all LOOK HERE MAKE SOME MONEY because I just do them for fun.  Who knows.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY CARRIER.

What did my arms do before they held you?

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.” 

I kind of feel like a jerk.  I waitressed (is that a word?) for years in high school and for a little while in college. Anyone who's done any kind of retail or food service knows THOSE people.  We know those people who come in at 10 of, or who come in, all 5 of them with their 3 kids under 5 at 15 minutes before the restaurant closes.  THOSE people.

Tonight, I was THAT person.  

Listen, I had to have Dominos.  It was a crisis.  

That lead me to think that we don't have those kinds of options at home.  Husband and I live an hour away from the town where my parents and my doctors are, so when I was released from the hospital they recommended that I stay close.  If I wasn't able to, they would have kept me in the hospital essentially until I delivered, so the option was fairly clear.  

Then I got to thinking about how bed rest from 19 weeks until delivery is going.  Let me be clear, we will do anything it takes to keep this kid safe and cooking until it's ok for her to make her appearance.  No questions asked.  We do what it takes.  I think most women who have been on extended bed rest will tell you though, it's not all it's cracked up to be.  I know before this pregnancy, I heard bed rest and had the "Oh that sounds fantastic!"  because I didn't know any better.  Now? Now I know better.  

Not only has it taken a lot out of me mentally to get used to not doing a thing, it's taken a lot mentally out of both husband and I because we see each other once or twice a week.  We went from both working full time, sharing responsibilities at the house, carpooling to and from work, literally spending almost 24/7 together, to virtually nothing.  Our relationship has definitely had to evolve, it just really REALLY stinks sometimes.  If we didn't have the dogs, husband could probably spend more time up here because well, you put food and water in their feeders and they're good for a few days.  You can't exactly leave dogs alone for a few days and expect your house to not be absolutely ruined, especially because we don't have a fence or a way for them to get out on their own.  

Sigh.

At least I have my Dominos.

Life's not a paragraph

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

Being on bed rest has almost pushed me into reflection.  I suppose it's good because I don't think I'd ever really do half of the introspection on my own.  I'm just not that kind of person.  I'd much rather sweep it all under the rug and not deal with it.  

One of the main things I've realized about myself is how my faith has completely changed.  I grew up fairly religious.  I read the bible on my own, from front to back numerous times.  I went to youth group, I did bible studies on my own, I read all the books good christian kids do.  As I grew up, even though I wasn't as bible thumper as I once was, I was still strong in my faith in my head.  With each miscarriage, my faith waxed and waned. When I was finally able to keep our son's pregnancy, I feel like I almost had a resurgence.  My husband and I talked about taking our children to church, what denomination we would chose, and other various items dealing with a religious up bringing.  

Then our kid died.

That was it.

It was strange for me.  I remember feeling betrayal and negligence with the miscarriages, like god had turned his back on us, he blinked.  I thought there was something wrong, we weren't ready yet, whatever bullcrap I felt like feeding myself at the time to get through the loss.  

Then our kid died.

That. Was. It.

I didn't feel betrayal.  I didn't feel negligence.  I felt absolutely nothing.  No hatred, no anger towards "god", nothing.  I felt nothing.  Everything I'd ever been taught, anything I'd ever learned and sponged out of religious texts, it was all gone.  I don't remember a specific moment where I "swore off religion" or anything of that nature, I just remember not thinking about it again.  The religious platitudes being dealt had no effect but to anger me.  I no longer was receptive to "I'll pray for you" or "He's with god now".  The platitudes will have their own entry, believe me.

Coming from a religious upbringing and having hyper religious family members on both my husband's and my side of the family, I was initially a little concerned.  I was worried that I would become a pariah if anyone found out I didn't believe anymore.  

The longer it gets from our son's death, the more comfortable I'm becoming with stopping people mid-platitude or simply asking them to stop.  I'm never rude, because I expect the same respect in regards to my beliefs (or lack there of).  Sometimes though, you just don't want to hear it.  I don't make a big deal typically, and I've learned when and with whom I may pick my battles.  While "We're praying for you" still stings beyond belief, I don't say anything because I know most people mean well.  As much as it irritates and upsets me, I say nothing.  I'm not angry.  I'm not that angry, angsty former Christian.

I just don't care.

Trigger warning.

"But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?"

Wow.  It's been forever.  Trigger warning.

Yup.  That's right.  And what a crazy roller coaster on which this one has already taken us.  So far I've been hospitalized twice, I'm seeing a specialist twice a week since 20 weeks, and I'm on complete bed rest until delivery.  While I'm not in preterm labor, they have told me that I have an increased risk of delivering early simply because of the issue we're having.

We were also told that if we plan on having another child, we should wait at least a year and then consult the specialist first.  The whole "family planning" thing is new to us.  Sure, we loosely planned both children, but we never set goals or anything other than "Hey, let's not prevent pregnancy."  This pregnancy was one we truly tried for, charting and the whole bit, and she still took us by surprise.  I found out I was pregnant the ONE month I didn't chart.

So that's where we are.  Right now I'm taking a calcium channel blocked commonly used to lessen contractions in preterm labor, even though I'm not in preterm labor.  I know I'm not having contractions, and every time they monitor me, they see nothing.  So right now it's bed rest and some medication on the off chance that it's helping.  Whatever works!

I've taken to completely removing myself from most social media sites, at least for the time being. While we have massive amounts of support across the country, for me the best course of action right now was to simply stop, remove myself, and focus on my family for right now.  I know it's upset a lot of people, but to be frank and honest, my family is more important right now.  I spent a lot of my time not properly grieving our son because of distractions.  And that ends now.

I'm starting this back up again in hopes that maybe, in some way, it may help another mother out there who has gone through similar experiences.

Here's hoping <3

Stars May Collide

"Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings

Telling me to give you everything

Seasons may change, winter to spring

But I love you, until the end of time"

We were told by my midwife that she would like me to wait and have at least 3 cycles before we try again, but that she also understands that we want to try again asap.  Mainly because I'm a nutcase.  

I've been testing every day for about 2 weeks now, and I pretty much assumed that I missed the LH surge or that I wouldn't show up for it because like after my d&c with the triplets, I assumed my junk would be all kinds of messed up for at least one cycle.  For the past two weeks or so, I've been getting nothing but that damn O.  Nothing.  So I figured it was mainly just an exercise in futility, something to keep my mind busy, something to chart.  You know.

Until I tested last night and saw that stupid smiley face.  With it's stupid grin.  Like it's mocking me. 

I'm kidding,  I don't think I'm being mocked.  I think it's time to get to business.  

I Believe in You and Me

"Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright"

I can't sleep because my nose won't quit draining. And making me sneeze. And dripping. It's gross and unnecessary.

I've been thinking about a lot of things. I feel like the few weeks after the birth, that my brain just stopped. I just needed to exist for a while. Now it's all coming to a head and I can't stop it. I'm getting short and irritable with almost everyone, I'm caving in on myself, I feel like I'm making my own problems, like I'm looking for things to be pissed about.  Then I feel guilty for thinking those things. Then I get pissed. And the cycle continues.

And I can't help but laugh sometimes.

There were only a few things that I was SET on with my pregnancy.

I was NOT going to see a midwife. No way, no how, not happening.

I was NOT getting induced. They were going to have to cut me open, because it was NOT happening.

I was NOT getting an epidural if I went naturally. Big ass needle in my back? No thank you, I'll skip that.

I was scared to DEATH of ripping. Scared shitless.

Look up irony in the dictionary. Go ahead. Take a minute. I'll wait.

Do you see my picture?

Obviously I also didn't want my son to pass, but that aside, let me tell you what happened.

I had an epidural so I could be induced so a midwife could deliver, and I ripped a decent bit.

Really? I mean...really?

I feel like that Sim everyone had, the one you LOVED to jerk around with? I feel like that is our life. I feel like a huge, walking example. How many lessons are we to be taught? Because I'm kind of over it.

I Am Woman.

" You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul"

If you don't like angry she-rants, move along.

I think I'm pretty amazing, all things considered. I've put up with A LOT of bullshit from the universe and people in it. A LOT. Conversely, I've also dealt my share of bullshit. And don't think for a MINUTE that I don't hate myself every day for it. Even though I know that isn't how these things work, I can't help but think "Had I not done this" or "had I handled this differently" maybe hubby and I would have our little boy.

That's crazy thinking, right? Right.

I'm not as thin as I used to be. I've got extra skin and extra stretch marks, extra pounds I didn't have a few years ago. I'm not as flashy or edgy with my looks anymore. I don't care as much about my clothing or how I look. I've lost a lot of interest in what other people think of me, mainly because I just don't have anything left to give. I'm empty, I'm on E. I feel like a 50 year old in a 25 year olds body, probably because of all the bull I've dealt with. I've been lied to by a lot of people who should have had my best interests in mind, and just didn't. I'm done. I'm just done.