If We Wish Real Hard

It's been a while, to say the least. A lot has happened, obviously. I mean, a lot.

September 10th I started having contractions. They were initially 10-15 minutes apart. We immediately started driving to the hospital the minute they started and by the time we got there, 45 minutes later, they were 3-5 minutes apart. They prepped me for labor, and to make a SUPER long story short, they stopped labor a few times and I spent the next 4 weeks in the hospital until I gave birth to our little turd on October 5th. We induced around 11pm on the 4th, I went into active labor at 5:20am on the 5th and had her at 5:37am. You read that right. I only pushed 17 minutes. It was glorious. She was 9lbs 8oz. Chunky. I know. But so adorable.

I plan on posting a MUCH more detailed birth story, but at this point, I'm casually working on it. Someday it will see the light.

For right now, my focus is doing Christmas on a shoestring budget. When I say shoestring, I mean nearly non existent. So I'm moving this in another direction, which is taking diy ideas I've found on Pinterest and trying to make them happen.

I think it's important for everyone to know that 99% of what I've tried from Pinterest has failed. Miserably. Most of my conquests have been food, so we'll see how my crafty side works.

Excited

I've been a member of a website for about a year now.  You can do surveys, earn cash back, all kinds of cool things.  Well.  In addition to earning enough in the last 2 months to get a $100 gift card to Destination Maternity (I know, right?!) or breaking it up into $50 here and $50 there, I'm also getting a Petunia Pickle Bottom Tour Guide - Escape to the Sahara carrier for....drum roll please...$29.99!!!!  I'm seriously so excited.  These things retail EVERYWHERE else for $70 easy, and I'm getting it for more than half off.  I love it!  

Promise this will be the only entry with this kind of stuff, but I do have some websites I use to get a little extra cash, at least while I'm on bed rest.  They're absolutely not get rich quick sites, but you can make a little pocket change.

Anyway, the first one requires an invitation.  If you're interested, feel free to email me at a.still.life.mommy@gmail.com and I'll send you an invitation!

I may post the other sites I use on here in a little bit.  I don't know.  I want to let people know, but I don't want to be all salesy and all LOOK HERE MAKE SOME MONEY because I just do them for fun.  Who knows.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY CARRIER.

What did my arms do before they held you?

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.” 

I kind of feel like a jerk.  I waitressed (is that a word?) for years in high school and for a little while in college. Anyone who's done any kind of retail or food service knows THOSE people.  We know those people who come in at 10 of, or who come in, all 5 of them with their 3 kids under 5 at 15 minutes before the restaurant closes.  THOSE people.

Tonight, I was THAT person.  

Listen, I had to have Dominos.  It was a crisis.  

That lead me to think that we don't have those kinds of options at home.  Husband and I live an hour away from the town where my parents and my doctors are, so when I was released from the hospital they recommended that I stay close.  If I wasn't able to, they would have kept me in the hospital essentially until I delivered, so the option was fairly clear.  

Then I got to thinking about how bed rest from 19 weeks until delivery is going.  Let me be clear, we will do anything it takes to keep this kid safe and cooking until it's ok for her to make her appearance.  No questions asked.  We do what it takes.  I think most women who have been on extended bed rest will tell you though, it's not all it's cracked up to be.  I know before this pregnancy, I heard bed rest and had the "Oh that sounds fantastic!"  because I didn't know any better.  Now? Now I know better.  

Not only has it taken a lot out of me mentally to get used to not doing a thing, it's taken a lot mentally out of both husband and I because we see each other once or twice a week.  We went from both working full time, sharing responsibilities at the house, carpooling to and from work, literally spending almost 24/7 together, to virtually nothing.  Our relationship has definitely had to evolve, it just really REALLY stinks sometimes.  If we didn't have the dogs, husband could probably spend more time up here because well, you put food and water in their feeders and they're good for a few days.  You can't exactly leave dogs alone for a few days and expect your house to not be absolutely ruined, especially because we don't have a fence or a way for them to get out on their own.  

Sigh.

At least I have my Dominos.

Life's not a paragraph

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

Being on bed rest has almost pushed me into reflection.  I suppose it's good because I don't think I'd ever really do half of the introspection on my own.  I'm just not that kind of person.  I'd much rather sweep it all under the rug and not deal with it.  

One of the main things I've realized about myself is how my faith has completely changed.  I grew up fairly religious.  I read the bible on my own, from front to back numerous times.  I went to youth group, I did bible studies on my own, I read all the books good christian kids do.  As I grew up, even though I wasn't as bible thumper as I once was, I was still strong in my faith in my head.  With each miscarriage, my faith waxed and waned. When I was finally able to keep our son's pregnancy, I feel like I almost had a resurgence.  My husband and I talked about taking our children to church, what denomination we would chose, and other various items dealing with a religious up bringing.  

Then our kid died.

That was it.

It was strange for me.  I remember feeling betrayal and negligence with the miscarriages, like god had turned his back on us, he blinked.  I thought there was something wrong, we weren't ready yet, whatever bullcrap I felt like feeding myself at the time to get through the loss.  

Then our kid died.

That. Was. It.

I didn't feel betrayal.  I didn't feel negligence.  I felt absolutely nothing.  No hatred, no anger towards "god", nothing.  I felt nothing.  Everything I'd ever been taught, anything I'd ever learned and sponged out of religious texts, it was all gone.  I don't remember a specific moment where I "swore off religion" or anything of that nature, I just remember not thinking about it again.  The religious platitudes being dealt had no effect but to anger me.  I no longer was receptive to "I'll pray for you" or "He's with god now".  The platitudes will have their own entry, believe me.

Coming from a religious upbringing and having hyper religious family members on both my husband's and my side of the family, I was initially a little concerned.  I was worried that I would become a pariah if anyone found out I didn't believe anymore.  

The longer it gets from our son's death, the more comfortable I'm becoming with stopping people mid-platitude or simply asking them to stop.  I'm never rude, because I expect the same respect in regards to my beliefs (or lack there of).  Sometimes though, you just don't want to hear it.  I don't make a big deal typically, and I've learned when and with whom I may pick my battles.  While "We're praying for you" still stings beyond belief, I don't say anything because I know most people mean well.  As much as it irritates and upsets me, I say nothing.  I'm not angry.  I'm not that angry, angsty former Christian.

I just don't care.

Trigger warning.

"But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?"

Wow.  It's been forever.  Trigger warning.

Yup.  That's right.  And what a crazy roller coaster on which this one has already taken us.  So far I've been hospitalized twice, I'm seeing a specialist twice a week since 20 weeks, and I'm on complete bed rest until delivery.  While I'm not in preterm labor, they have told me that I have an increased risk of delivering early simply because of the issue we're having.

We were also told that if we plan on having another child, we should wait at least a year and then consult the specialist first.  The whole "family planning" thing is new to us.  Sure, we loosely planned both children, but we never set goals or anything other than "Hey, let's not prevent pregnancy."  This pregnancy was one we truly tried for, charting and the whole bit, and she still took us by surprise.  I found out I was pregnant the ONE month I didn't chart.

So that's where we are.  Right now I'm taking a calcium channel blocked commonly used to lessen contractions in preterm labor, even though I'm not in preterm labor.  I know I'm not having contractions, and every time they monitor me, they see nothing.  So right now it's bed rest and some medication on the off chance that it's helping.  Whatever works!

I've taken to completely removing myself from most social media sites, at least for the time being. While we have massive amounts of support across the country, for me the best course of action right now was to simply stop, remove myself, and focus on my family for right now.  I know it's upset a lot of people, but to be frank and honest, my family is more important right now.  I spent a lot of my time not properly grieving our son because of distractions.  And that ends now.

I'm starting this back up again in hopes that maybe, in some way, it may help another mother out there who has gone through similar experiences.

Here's hoping <3

Stars May Collide

"Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings

Telling me to give you everything

Seasons may change, winter to spring

But I love you, until the end of time"

We were told by my midwife that she would like me to wait and have at least 3 cycles before we try again, but that she also understands that we want to try again asap.  Mainly because I'm a nutcase.  

I've been testing every day for about 2 weeks now, and I pretty much assumed that I missed the LH surge or that I wouldn't show up for it because like after my d&c with the triplets, I assumed my junk would be all kinds of messed up for at least one cycle.  For the past two weeks or so, I've been getting nothing but that damn O.  Nothing.  So I figured it was mainly just an exercise in futility, something to keep my mind busy, something to chart.  You know.

Until I tested last night and saw that stupid smiley face.  With it's stupid grin.  Like it's mocking me. 

I'm kidding,  I don't think I'm being mocked.  I think it's time to get to business.  

I Believe in You and Me

"Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright"

I can't sleep because my nose won't quit draining. And making me sneeze. And dripping. It's gross and unnecessary.

I've been thinking about a lot of things. I feel like the few weeks after the birth, that my brain just stopped. I just needed to exist for a while. Now it's all coming to a head and I can't stop it. I'm getting short and irritable with almost everyone, I'm caving in on myself, I feel like I'm making my own problems, like I'm looking for things to be pissed about.  Then I feel guilty for thinking those things. Then I get pissed. And the cycle continues.

And I can't help but laugh sometimes.

There were only a few things that I was SET on with my pregnancy.

I was NOT going to see a midwife. No way, no how, not happening.

I was NOT getting induced. They were going to have to cut me open, because it was NOT happening.

I was NOT getting an epidural if I went naturally. Big ass needle in my back? No thank you, I'll skip that.

I was scared to DEATH of ripping. Scared shitless.

Look up irony in the dictionary. Go ahead. Take a minute. I'll wait.

Do you see my picture?

Obviously I also didn't want my son to pass, but that aside, let me tell you what happened.

I had an epidural so I could be induced so a midwife could deliver, and I ripped a decent bit.

Really? I mean...really?

I feel like that Sim everyone had, the one you LOVED to jerk around with? I feel like that is our life. I feel like a huge, walking example. How many lessons are we to be taught? Because I'm kind of over it.

I Am Woman.

" You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul"

If you don't like angry she-rants, move along.

I think I'm pretty amazing, all things considered. I've put up with A LOT of bullshit from the universe and people in it. A LOT. Conversely, I've also dealt my share of bullshit. And don't think for a MINUTE that I don't hate myself every day for it. Even though I know that isn't how these things work, I can't help but think "Had I not done this" or "had I handled this differently" maybe hubby and I would have our little boy.

That's crazy thinking, right? Right.

I'm not as thin as I used to be. I've got extra skin and extra stretch marks, extra pounds I didn't have a few years ago. I'm not as flashy or edgy with my looks anymore. I don't care as much about my clothing or how I look. I've lost a lot of interest in what other people think of me, mainly because I just don't have anything left to give. I'm empty, I'm on E. I feel like a 50 year old in a 25 year olds body, probably because of all the bull I've dealt with. I've been lied to by a lot of people who should have had my best interests in mind, and just didn't. I'm done. I'm just done.

What Do They Make Dreams For

"OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you

But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker"

What can I say.  I'm obsessed with this song.  I can't help it.

Things have been moving along.  Eh.  Hubby has gone to work a few times, mainly doing half days because someone will come up and say something, and it goes downhill from there.  So he's going back full time tomorrow.  I'm FINALLY taking my car in to get the Hurricane Sandy damage fixed.  I know, more than a year later.  I'm a BIT of a procrastinator.  But that's getting done finally.  

I went out the other day to get a few shirts and pants for the time being.  It's so difficult because of how my body is and how much it's changed.  Top wise I only went up a size, mainly because my chest is even bigger now for obvious reasons.  Jeans, I don't even want to talk about.  I'm not into paying full price right now, because I don't know 1. When I'm going to get pregnant again and 2. What size I will end up being after everything is said and done.  So basically what I've found is a bunch of cute tops, awesome, and that since I am now a "bigger" size, apparently now I want my jeans almost as high up as my full banded maternity pants.  Not true.  Not true at all.  So I'm running in to that, but like I said, I don't know how long I'll be in them, so it's whatever.  I'm either going back into maternity pants or down sizes because we're waiting, we will see.

Hubby is getting help through his company, which is awesome.  We will be going to see someone in the beginning of November.  I think it'll help a lot.  I'm having a lot of moments where I'll get ready to go somewhere, and I break down.  That happens mostly with places I frequented while pregnant.  One of my saving graces is the fact that I have an awesome support system, hubby and I are on the same page in regards to trying again, and I have complete faith in my body and mind in regards to another pregnancy and the future.

We've planned to pay off our debt consolidation with our tax refund this year, which takes away a fairly sizable payment monthly.

Also super exciting news, I went to see my midwife today and I'm healing well.  All my labs came back fine, TORCH and everything was clear, and the pathology from the placenta came back fine except for the vein abnormalities, but those had nothing to do with what happened. 

Oh. And a little grocery store down the street had ClearBlue ovulation tests on sale for $3. So I grabbed them all. The little victories.

Didn't Nobody Tell You, the House Will Always Win.

" Your legs are shot and they're flushed with pain
But you can't keep them still
The sun sets and you're afraid
Of the itching in your skin"

Yesterday started off nicely, which is good. We went to our normal Saturday breakfast spot with my parents and brother. We always have the same waitress. Always. She's great. Remembers our names, stories, and since we are all creatures of habbit, our orders as well. Always has drinks what seems like before we sit down. Except the last time she saw me was before Finn was born. So my dad's sudden pace increase to get to her first didn't surprise me. Fire a warning shot.

Hubby and I went to Applefest in Chambersburg. I didn't see one apple. I called shenanigans. He wasn't amused. We got some tarts for the burners and a wall hanging for an empty spot on one of our arches.

After that, we went to the grave site for the first time since the funeral. I noticed the day of the funeral that he is buried next to a little girl. I checked yesterday, and on her marker it also says 2013-2013. She had a Hello Kitty pumpkin and little flag. Anyone who knows me knows that Hello Kitty was my first love. She was my first tattoo. Next time I visit, I think I'm going to drop off a stuffed Hello Kitty I have and leave my name and number, in case the mommy needs someone to talk to.

It definitely sucked. Even writing about it sucks. I'm literally crying as I write this. The lion hubby left is still there. I don't know what to do about him, though. Leaving him in the elements will make him deteriorate, and I know I won't be able to handle seeing that. As much as I want to take that lion and sleep with him every night for the rest of my life, Hubby left him there for a reason. That lion is our son's, and he will have him for as long as I can keep him there. I just don't know if there's a case or something I can get to preserve him or what. I'll have to look around when I go out on Tuesday.

I Fall Upon the Thorns of Life. I bleed.

" You'll get your hopes and you'll get your dreams.
Well, that choice wasn't there for me.
This path on which I walk. It ain't a game and it ain't all talk.
This is all I ever had.
This is all they ever let me have."

Today sucked. Simply put.

We went to the consignment shop down the street and I had to leave to blubber in my car. After having 3 tear fests in the store already. I'm really beginning to believe the fact that PTSD is very real with losses like this. I used to go there like, every other day looking for things for Finley. They always have awesome prices on kids clothes, and every now and again you can find some awesome deals. I remember I found an Eddie Bauer car seat cover, brand new, never opened, for $8.

When we got home we had an Amazon box on our door step. It was from Sweet Grace Ministries. There was a walk for infant and pregnancy loss in Ship on Sunday that I couldn't make, and a couple we are friends with went and walked for our son. I guess Sweet Grace heard about our loss from her, and today we received lotion, an amazingly scented lavender candle, an angel figurine, and a book to cope with loss. All for which we are grateful.

At this point I've got about 3 books to read. The only problem is every time I go to read one, I can't even get passed the chapter titles without breaking down.

It especially sucks because today was not a good day for hubby at all. He tried to go to work, but with how many people are in his office, word couldn't possibly get out to everyone, so he got a few people asking those questions we all hate. Couldn't do it. I don't blame him.

I just wish I could be as strong for him as he is for me. He is my rock, even on his worst days. I just wish I could be the same.

In the Beginning

"Sometimes I wonder

Why are we so blind to fate?

Without compassion, there can be no end to hate

No end to sorrow

Caused by the same endless fears

Why can't we learn from all we've been through

After two thousand years?"

It all began in February of this year. Scratch that. Our journey really began in June of 2011. More specifically, my reason for starting this blog began in February of 2013.  

In February, I want to say the 22nd, but I could be wrong, we found out we were pregnant. There aren't words to describe our feelings at that time, because I had a previous d&c in August with triplets and hadn't been regular since. I took a pregnancy test as a last resort before going back to my doctor to make sure my pipes weren't clogged. Turns out they were. With a baby. 

We had three previous losses. I feel like I've been pregnant our entire marriage. All were early, never progressed to a heart beat, and always ended in a miscarriage.  With this one, the day we took the test, we kicked and screamed until we got an ultrasound, I want to say a day or two later. I had gone to two different obgyns and a PA at my family doctor. Finally, after enough complaining, the PA was the one to finally write me an RX for an ultrasound. 

I'll never forget that ultrasound. It changed our lives. She gelled me up and almost instantly we heard a small little thump, thump, thump. Oh my god. A heartbeat. We had never gotten this far. Every single previous ultrasound had been "Oh look...a sac but no yolk" or "Oh no, there's no heartbeat." So to have a heartbeat? Unbelievable and a complete blessing. 

My OB at the time immediately put me on Progesterone and baby aspirin daily. While we waited on the blood results for my hormones, she felt it was best to shoot first and if I didn't need the progesterone, I would discontinue. Thankfully she took a chance, because my progesterone levels came back dangerously low. 

We switched doctor's after doing our hospital tour.  Hubby HATED the hospital, and I don't blame him.  We absolutely made the correct decision.  Our first appointment at Holy Spirit was amazing.  The doctor was amazingly gentle and nurturing.  The doppler had his heart rate at a great BPM.  Just by feeling, she wasn't sure if she had felt his boney butt up by my lungs, or his head, so she did an in room ultrasound.  He was perfectly face down, everything was fine.

Fast forward to 3 days before my due date.  Long, emotional story I'll eventually get into extremely short, in room doppler grabbed no heart beat, in room ultrasound showed no heart beat, and after going to an imaging center, it was 100% confirmed that we had lost our little boy.

I gave birth Friday October 4th around 7:30AM after being induced.  In some kind of mixed blessing, labor wasn't what I thought it would be.  I thought it was going to be some crazy, long drawn out process, ridiculously painful, but it really wasn't.  I'm sure my next labor will be completely different, and I welcome it, I'm just happy I didn't have hours of back labor etc.  

Some days, like today, I feel dead inside. Over dramatic, I know. Everything just feels forced.  We went to a few local consignment shops, puttered around town, but it all just felt so. forced. 

But they can't all be good days, right?